Thindulge

Thindulge

[thin-duhlj]
-verb, (used without object)

1. Related to food. To stuff ones face with what they're told are empty calories thereby satisfying their hunger (but not really affecting their weight)

Notes: Seen at the gym on a coupon advertising some sort of English muffin type sandwich. Question: Why are there food advertisements at the gym?

residenSea...(Pirates: take note)

residenSea

[rez-i-duhn-see]
-noun, plural -seas.

1. Specialty luxury properties on land and sea who believe in "tailored solutions to ensure success."
2. Currently manages The World, a "private community at sea." Translation: A fucking huge cruise ship for the richest 2%.

Notes: I recently learned about this MegaBoat, arrogantly called "The World," on a Travel Channel special. It boasts (a verb so very understated in this respect) jewelry vaults, full-size tennis courts, a golf-course with real grass, and a bunch of other fancy-schmancy luxuries that rich people think we of more meager pockets only dream about while on break from whatever underpaid job we toil at day-after-day. My favorite part of the whole sales pitch (which, be honest Travel Channel, that's what it was) was a segment featuring an interview by the ships radio host (yes, they have their own on-board radio station) with a traveller on the World about the plight and difficulties of being rich. I kid you not. And the voice-over commentator had the nerve to refer to this as afluenza. sigh.

Why is there so much hate in the world?

Ouch. My brain. I wonder what it's like to be the person who came up with this. The type of person I imagine lives in a small apartment with too many cats, and drives a car with too many stuffed animals on the windshield.

Don't Count On It

As much as I'd like to think that I'm responsible with my money, I realize that the reality is far from that assumption. Most likely another ZIP code. Case in point:

Walgreens has rolled out their Halloween merchandise. At this point, I know better than to wander down those aisles in which they reside for fear of slipping into some weird shopping coma where 10 minutes later I'm walking out the door with a bag full of plastic, screaming, fake bloody crap and a receipt in double-digits somewhere in the 30's lurking ominously in my pocket. The day in question was no exception, but due to the state of the economy, I decided to employ a certain amount of restraint. After grabbing a pair of werewolf and mummy gloves, I headed for the register, eyes practically looking at the ceiling so as to not be drawn in by anything else. Thankfully Raoul at the Makeup counter was relatively close by. I was greeted by his ample frame and recently permed hair...

Raoul: Next...OH! Those are great! (pointing at my gloves)

Me: Uh, thanks! Yeah, I couldn't resist.

Raoul: I mean really, you could be ANYTHING with these. You could be so inventive and creative. All you gotta do with these (holds up the mummy gloves) is get a white shirt and paint some bones on it and you got yourself a costume.

SIDEBAR - I wanted to shake my head and, with pity, say; "Oh Raoul, that just wouldn't do! Those are gloves for a MUMMY, not a SKELETON! You are so silly." Alas, the moment had passed, and I think even Raoul would know that I was being an asshole.

Me: Yeah, I guess..

Raoul: I get all sorts of great ideas for costumes! Mostly from the Internet, you know. Last year, you know what I did? I bought some sweat pants and a white lab coat. Then I got myself a black sharpie and wrote numbers all over 'em! And then I went out and everybody was like, 'whoah, that's so weird! What are you supposed to be?' And I just looked at them and said, 'I'm someone you can count on!!!"

SIDEBAR - Have you ever been offered a joke by someone that you just didn't want to accept? It was happening to me. And I was a little broadsided by it. Luckily, I snapped out of my daze to put together some reaction so that he knew that it hadn't fallen on deaf ears.

Me: Uh...OH. Wow.

Raoul: Get it?! Funny, huh? Yeah, that was a good costume.

Me: Sounds like it.

Raoul: Yeah, you get all kinds of crazy ideas from the Internet.

Que Syrah

In an email from a co-worker the other day, it was pointed out that the de Young Museum in Golden Gate Park who is currently showing a King Tut exhibition--*ahem*, excuse me--I mean Tutankhamun and the Golden Age of the Pharaohs (really, exhibition titles these days...don't get me started) has partnered with a local winery to create a King Tut-themed wine, called the 2006 Tut Cuvée. These days, cultural institutions (museums especially) have really been pushing the gimmick-envelope to hold onto their sound-byte, ADD audiences and this just slots in as another example of those ploys.

My co-worker's response to this was a half-joking suggestion that we follow suit in doing some similar wine-exhibition pairing. Recently, we had an exhibition of Bhutanese art called The Dragon's Gift: The Sacred Arts of Bhutan and currently on view is the Lords of the Samurai exhbition. The next big "blockbuster" show will be the Shanghai exhibtion, to take place in the Spring of 2010. I could just imagine the various wine puns clogging her mind. Her AAM answer to the 2006 Tut Cuvée quandry was the following: Blanc de Bhutan and/or Lords of the Syrah.

An immediate reply from me was required in which I said, slightly sarcastically (though nuance is often lost in email); "I like the way you think."

With her new fan now made public, the pressure was on for a showstopper, you know, to keep me hooked, and to my delight, she did not disappoint. A return email sealed the deal:

"Jonathan, here's my masterpiece...wait for it...Shanghai-donnay. Right??"

This shamelessly bad pun required a more honest response, without nuance. I could only reply; "....and you were doing so well..."

What's in a (blog) name?

As an appropriate first post, I thought I'd begin here:

In coming up with a name for this Blog I - like all beginning bloggers - thought that it should be something witty, and yes, in some sense, punny. Though the pressure of a name led to a lapse in brain activity and all I could come up with was "The Pitt Pot." This had something to do with my last name being Olives...insert courtesy laugh here. So I turned to what I thought might be a reasonably better source of potential names...my boyfriend. Our text conversation went as follows:

Me: I'm starting a blog. Suggestions? I thought of "Pitt Pot." Cause it sounds funny to say.

BF: How about "Olives the Kings Horses"

Me: (silence)

BF: Um HELLO! That's gold.

Me: Who ARE you?

BF: I think that's pretty fucking clever. "Olive's Loaf"?

Me: Warmer...

BF: I think "Olive the King's Horses" is fucking brilliant.

ME: You can do better. Toooo punny for me. Still prefer "Pitt Pot." C'mon. Impress me!

BF: Ok Tiff.

SIDEBAR - Tiffany is my sister and I love her very much but wit is not part of her overall inventory.

ME: WTF? Oh hell no.

BF: "Littlefield's, Big World." All I gotta say.

SIDEBAR - Tiffany recently set up a blog for her family and was asking me for names. I thought that "Littlefield's, Big World" was hilarious as it was a reference to both that reality show about the little people (which I haven't seen but LOVE the idea of) and her married last name, Littlefield.

ME: Pffft. How about "The Rhubarbed Wire." Does that sound like a fat girl's blog?

BF: Why don't you just ask Ryan instead of poorly trying to copy him?

SIDEBAR - Ok. So, my best friend Ryan IS the funniest and wittiest person I know and for some reason, my boyfriend likes to irk me by always suggesting that I'm trying to immitate him.

ME: Hater. And no. And hater.

BF: You ask my opinion.

ME: "Olive the King's Horses" reminds me of a Ren Faire.

BF: How about "Olive the Little Things"? Pun intentional.

ME: That's better...

BF: You're tacky.

Scene.

So that wasn't very helpful. Then I played with some other ideas, most of which were taken. I tried "Pavlov's Squirrel," which I thought was cute, but then realized that It was too cute so I changed that. In doing all of this I realized, I hate puns. As much as I try to use them (and for certain I'll slip up often) I always reflect with the same puzzlement; "why?"

i.e. "Pun Assassin."

So be it.